Behind The Scenes: Cullen Chat
by Mon Petit Pierrot
Summary: Companion piece to Cullen Chat. This is what really happens behind the IM. Beware the stupidity.
1. 10: Mentally Unstable

A/N: This is one of my more random ideas. Just like Cullen Chat, which is the companion piece for this. I hope you like it.

Note: The chapters will correlate with Cullen Chat, but will not be in order. You don't have to read Cullen Chat to make sense of this, but I would recommend it to read the real chapter.

**Very special thanks to Rose. She helped me put this together. This idea was conceived because of her.**

_IM lines_

"speaking"

--

Chapter 10: Mentally Unstable

--

_Edward says: SOMEONE IS TOUCHING ME!!_

A shriek echoed down the hall form Edward's room.

"Emmett, what are you doing?" Alice called.

"Nothing," was the innocent reply. "What's going on with him, anyway?"

_betterThanYou says: Edward, you're alone in your room. No one else is near you._

_Edward says: I KNOW YOU'RE THERE!!!_

"WHO'S THERE?!?!" Edward screamed.

"Since when was Edward was so paranoid?" Rosalie asked.

"It was when we switched names, remember?" Jasper said.

"That must have been when he lost his temper and Carlisle had to hold him back from killing us..." Alice mused.

"When he lost his sanity, you mean?"

_Edward says: THERE'S SOMEONE IN MY ROOM!!!_

"THAT SHADOW MOVED!!! IT'S FOLLOWING ME!!!"

"That would be _your_ shadow, idiot!"

"WHO ARE YOU?!?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!"

_thecutestlittlepixie says: Can someone sedate him before he breaks something?_

"Is the situation _that _desperate, Alice?"

"It _will _be if you don't get your ass up there fast enough."

_Cullen5 says: Sure. Where's that big needle?_

"STALKER!!"

_Edward says: I HAVE A STALKER!!!_

"RAH!!!"

_Edward says: GET AWAY!!!_

A shattering noise drifted down the stairs.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Carlisle!!"

"We should stop Edward before Carlisle comes up here."

"Well, how do you suggest we do that?"

_FuzzehSocks says: Uh...can you hurry?_

_Edward says: GET AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! MOMMY!!!_

"MOMMY, I'LL DO ANYTHING!! HELP ME!! JUST DON'T LET THE STALKER EAT ME!!!"

Jaws dropped in shock.

"Did he really...?" Alice breathed.

_Cullen5 says: He did not just cry for his mother._

_IControlYourEmotions says: Oh yes he did._

_Cullen5 says: Ooooh._

_IControlYourEmotions says: Black-mail him once he's back to normal?_

_Cullen5 says: Damn straight!_

"Can you two at least _act_ your age?"

"If I didn't know any better, I would say that we were living with five-year-olds."

Edward screamed again, and something crashed against the wall, sending a shudder through the house.

_Edward says: SOMEONE'S TOUCHING ME AGAIN!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!_

"What's going on up there?"

"Nothing, Carlisle! We have it under control!"

"Barely," Rosalie muttered.

_thecutestlittlepixie says: All right, no plotting you guys. We have to get him._

"He'll break something if we don't stop him soon."

"Yeah, like our necks when Carlisle sees that we definitely _don't_have it undercontrol."

"Hush, Rose."

"WHERE IS THE LAUGHTER COMING FROM?!?! WHERE YOU ALL COME FROM?!?!?! AGH!!"

_Edward says: THERE'S MORE PEOPLE AROUND ME!! THEY'RE LAUGHING AT ME!!!_

"Do we have to? This is entertaining."

_betterThanyou says: Now?_

_thecutestlittlepixie says: Yeah. NOW._

"Oh, fine."

"NOT REAL!!!"

_Edward says: You're not real, you're not real, you're not real..._

_FuzzehSocks says: Hey, Edward, it's okay. We're here..._

"She's kidding, right?"

"She doesn't see the situation, now does she?"

"Let's not let her know."

"That might be a good idea."

_Edward says: I WILL CLEANSE YOUR SOUL!! BEGONE EVIL SPIRITS!!_

_FuzzehSocks says: Edward..._

A second shudder.

_Edward says: WINDEX!!!_

"What the _hell_ is he doing up there?"

"Did he hide cleaning solutions in his room or something?"

"Well, we all know that's he's extremely obsessive about cleanliness."

"Sounds like someone we _all _know."

"Hey!"

_FuzzehSocks says: I think he's gone._

"Well, that's the _understatement _of the year."

_thecutestlittlepixie says: Long gone is more like it._

"Like he has been for the past several days."

_betterThanyou says: Damn right._

"I FOUND MY WEAPON!!"

"I don't think I want to know what he's talking about."

_Edward says: LYSOL!!!_

"Of _course_ that would be his 'weapon'".

"He's such a cleaning freak."

"I SEE EVIL SPIRITS!!"

"What do spirits have to do with this?"

_Edward says: BACK, BACK, BACK EVIL SPIRITS!!!_

Resonating footsteps pounded against the floor in the direction of Carlisle's study.

"Now what is he up to?"

"THOU WILL BE CLEANSED!!"

Edward appeared at the top of the stairs, his eyes wild and his hair in a disarray. He held a bible in his hands, which he preceeded to throw at Alice, and ran back down the hallway, cackling maniacally.

"Jazzy! He needs to be contained!"

_Cullen5 says: Jasper and I'll get him._

_Cullen5 has signed off._

_IControlYourEmotions has signed off._

"Finally."

_thecutestlittlepixie says: It won't take them very long._

"SPEAR!! NO SPEAR!! BAD!!"

_Edward says: A SPIRIT'S POINTING A SWORD AT ME!!!_

"AWAY!!!"

_Edward says: GET AWAY!!_

"My monkey man."

_betterThanyou says: That would be Emmett._

_FuzzehSocks says: Do you think Edward will be all right?_

"Is she really asking that?

"If he was never all right, we wouldn't have let him near her in the first place, lest his loss of sanity rub off on her."

"Actually..."

"Has she gone crazy yet?"

"No one can go crazy the way Edward can."

"Damn right."

"That _is_ true."

_thecutestlittlepixie says: Sure he will. Don't you worry._

_betterThanyou says: He'll be back to normal within two weeks._

_FuzzehSocks says: ..._

"She doesn't believe us."

"Would _you_ believe us if we were telling you this?"

"Maybe...?"

"Who _would_ believe us when this happens?"

"An insane person."

"Such as Bella."

"NO!! GET AWAY FROM ME!! I WILL NEVER BACK DOWN!!"

_Edward says: I WILL NEVER SURRENDER!!!_

_Edward says: GSELTJWOSIglkjgsltgkjeogpjposjetpoGHSOITHSOIGHAOgosihgosihgsgSGPSGOJSPOGJUPOSE_

_Edward has signed off_

_thecutestlittlepixie says: And Edward has left the building._

"Finally."

"I know."

"Now we have to get him."

"Emmett and Jazzy already took care of him."

"Did they now?"

"Isn't he sedated?"

"He should be."

"I hope so."

Footsteps crept closer, and they turned to find Carlisle staring at them. "Do I want to know what happened?"

"No, I don't think you do."

With a sigh, Carlisle just walked back the way he came.


	2. 11: Epic Failure, Part 1

A/N: Here's the second chapter. I'll be updating with every new chapter for Cullen Chat, but the chapters will not be the same. Enjoy.

_IM lines_

"speaking"

**Thanks to: Lacey971, Aviva636, and Twitchy the Pyro.**

--

Chapter 11: Epic Failure, Part 1

--

Edward smirked deviously.

_Edward says: So Rose, how did your one goal for the day go?_

He could pratically feel her dark glare boring holes in the back of his head.

_betterThanyou says: ...Do you really want to know?_

"I wouldn't be asking if I didn't know, now would I?"

_Edward says: Yes, actually._

Rosalie snarled.

"Please, Rose?"

_betterThanyou says: -sighs- Fine._

"You owe me."

"I know."

"But you won't ever pay me back, will you?"

"Nope."

_betterThanyou says: I tried to make brownies._

"_Tried_? I could smell the burning before I was even close to the house."

A thunderous growl started to build.

"Continue, please."

_Edward says: And...?_

"You know what happened."

"Enlighten me."

_betterThanyou says: -glares- And they exploded._

Edward blinked, and then his smile widened. He started laughing.

_Edward says: What?_

Rosalie sighed.

_betterThanyou says: See, this is why I didn't want to tell you._

"Exploding brownies!!"

_Edward says: How can brownies explode?_

"I mean, really?"

_Edward says: You can't make brownies explode!_

_betterThanyou says: Oh, shut up._

"Hm..."

_Edward says: What, did you just touch them and they exploded?_

_betterThanyou says: No!_

Edward snorted, trying to hold in more laughter.

_Edward says: Epic. Failure._

"This is even better than when Emmett tried to learn how to waltz."

_betterThanyou says: If you don't shut the hell up, I will go to your room and dump the bowl of batter on your head._

"I will, too. Don't tempt me."

_Edward says: X3_

_Edward says: Catch me if you can._

_Edward has signed off._

"GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, EDWARD ANTHONY MASON CULLEN!!"

"I don't think so!"

"I'll get you!"

Edward just laughed, and let Rosalie chase him around the house.


	3. 12: Happy Birthday Edward

A/N: It's not that great of a chapter, but I'm glad that I updated. The next chapter will be out much sooner.

_IM lines_

"speaking"

**Thanks to: Lacey971, Aviva636, Twitchy the Pyro, crazyanniecroc, mauraoel, and SailorMoonFighter.**

--

Chapter 12: Happy Birthday Edward

--

"5...4...3...2...1..."

_Cullen5 says: Happy birthday, Edward!_

_Edward says: What are you talking about?_

"EDWARD, GUESS WHAT!?"

_thecutestlittlepixie says: It's your birthday!_

"Alice, I'm right here. Right next to you. You don't have to yell."

_Edward says: Today is NOT my birthday!_

"Jazzy! Eddy's being mean!"

"STOP CALLING ME EDDY!!"

"Don't change the subject, dear. It won't work."

_IControlYourEmotions says: Yes, it is._

_Edward says: No._

"You look like a five year old sulking, Edward."

"I am _not_ sulking_._"

"Yes, you _are._"

"No, I am _not._"

"Why is he sulking?"

"Because it's Edward. Why else?"

"That makes sense. What pissed you off now?"

"Oh, shut the hell up."

"I have a change in subject!"

_thecutestlittlepixie says: We say it is so it is your birthday!_

_Edward says: I DON'T HAVE BIRTHDAYS ANYMORE, REMEMBER?!?!_

"Jazzy!"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!?"

_thecutestlittlepixie says: Stop being such a sour-puss_

_Edward says: I'M NOT BEING A SOUR-PUSS!! I'M NOT A CAT!!_

"Ooh..."

"_No_, Alice."

_IControlYourEmotions says: Let's make him a cat, Alice._

_thecutestlittlepixie says: Yay!_

"Go get him, Jazzy!"

"I'll get him!"

"No! Get away, Emmett! Get away from me!"

_thecutestlittlepixie says: You'll look so darling with kitty ears!_

_Edward says: You are not going to dress me up!_

"Emmett has him tied up!"

"Yay! I have the cat ears right here!"

"No! Carlisle, help me!"

_Cullen5: HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDWARD!!_

"Oh damn, he got free. Run away!"

_Edward: Emmett, will you stop?! My birthday is not today!_

_Cullen5 says: But we have presents..._

_Edward says: Give them back to the store, then._

_thecutestlittlepixie says: No party?_

"Now _you_ look like a little kid."

"That's you, Edward."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"QUIET!!"

_Edward says: Stop pouting._

_thecutestlittlepixie says: I wanted a party with lots of presents and balloons and cake and presents!!!_

"Don't throw a balloon at my head!"

_Cullen5 says: We have booze_

Edward's head snapped up, his intense gaze trained on Emmett. "Booze...?"

_IControlYourEmotions says: You know we shouldn't give Edward that_

_Edward says: Booze?_

_thecutestlittlepixie says: Why not? It'll make things interesting_

Edward held out his hand.

_Edward says: Give me some!_

"How do you ask nicely?"

"Just give me the goddamn thing, Emmett."

"This will be interesting."

"Yep."

_thecutestlittlepixie says: WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PARTY!! BRING OUT THE CAKE!!_

"You made a cake?"

_Edward says: Who in their right mind would want cake that you made yourself, Alice?_

_IControlYourEmotions says: Edward, don't ruin her fun._

_Edward says: Who says I was? Just give me some goddamn beer and I'll do it._

_thecutestlittlepixie says: Yay!_

_Edward says: And that does not include me being tied up and having cake thrown at me, Emmett!_

_Cullen5 says: ....Damn._


End file.
